Smoothing the Way online

I am homeschooling my 12 year old daughter, she has the gifted/LD label from public school
My sweet daughter asked, begged and pleaded for us to go home, (I was in the public school also ) She had flocks of friends, that is until 5th grade. Dd would rather look for doodle bugs outside than to sit at lunch and gossip about the cutest boy. This pleases me, but made for a very sad, very stressed, and very lonely child. I have MS, it is progressive, and has made it impossible for me to work. This set my decision to homeschool in stone, and here we are, Mom, who sometimes cannot remember, and daughter, who is doing algebra, is scorching the internet for a CHEAP biology microscope with light, but who, also, can barely spell her own name. I have homeschooled before, I have public schooled before, but never a gifted/LD child. Oh my, this is a super challenge! She is still lonely, we have not met anyone her age who is interested in animals and bugs, or anything more than boys. (This is her #1 dilemma.) I am finding it difficult to stay calm when we read together, or do any language arts together.
We live in the Katy area, if anyone has any advice, I would greatly appreciate it.
Blessings,
Tammy

Tammy,

I was so moved by your message. I do not know that I can offer any solid advice, but I offer a virtual hug.

My 12-year-old daughter also offers some real challenges -- some are similar to what you are experiencing. Laura is very bright, for sure, but I don't think she reaches the gifted category. Laura's biggest challenge is that she suffers from an unusual social anxiety called Selective Mutism. This means that Laura is unable to speak in most social circumstances. We first realized it when she was about 4, although it had been going on for a while. She is perfectly normal at home -- in fact, she is quite the chatterbox -- so it took some time to realize how severely "handicapped" she was. For four years we struggled so much. At around 8 years of age, she had a real breakthrough and has showed considerable improvement. For the past couple of years, new people who met Laura would just think she was rather shy. Unfortunately, she hasn't been able to figure out how to bridge the gap and begin speaking to all those people who knew she couldn't talk before. This includes our entire church and many very close family members. Now, at 12, (translation -- puberty) I am seeing some regression and we are really working to love and support Laura through it. The hardest part is that Laura has to come to terms with it herself and I know this makes her feel so isolated. It is really hard for people to understand that she really is crippled. It seems to them like it would be an easy enough thing to just open your mouth and talk. For someone who suffers this way, though, it is just pretty much impossible. At a time in life when young people are wondering if they are normal, here is a strong indicator to Laura that she is not.

I offered that long description to let you know that I can understand some of your feelings for your daughter. I am so thankful that we have homeschooled all along because I can only imagine the added pain Laura would have suffered if she had been part of a system that really has no choice but to label children who do not fit the norm. She certainly knows that she is not like everyone else, but at the same time she has been in an environment that has encouraged her to learn and study and grow. I think it has offered a balance that will make all the difference in the outcome, and I believe the same will be true for your daughter. I know that you are facing challenges with schoolwork and some days you must want to scream. Just know that your daughter is now in a wonderful, nurturing environment so that she can zoom ahead in the subjects she loves and can face the difficult subjects at her own pace. Even though it is important that you are her teacher now, I think that her special needs means it is even more important for you to just be her mother -- just love her, love her, love her.

Laura also loves bugs and animals. She has certain things that she enjoys and she will learn everything there is to know about those things. The things that do not interest her... well... I've just had to find very clever ways to "help" her get the work done. And, truthfully, I've had to think about what is REALLY important in schoolwork to determine how much of the "fluff" work can fall by the wayside. One thing that really helped me was to understand Laura's learning style. I don't know if you are a Smoothing the Way member, but in October we discuss learning styles using Cathy Duffy's model. Laura is a VERY strong Competent Carla and it sounds like your daughter might be one as well. They are very focused -- sometimes to the point of being obsessive. They are often interested in math and science. They struggle with social skills. When I realized that a lot of Laura's traits are characteristic of her learning style, it really gave me a great deal of peace and understanding! Oh, OK! Now I get it! That's just part of who Laura is!

While I have noticed that Laura's mind has turned to boys a little bit recently, she is still far from being like her peers -- so I certainly understand where you are coming from on that subject, too! I think she feels that the energy other girls expend on the subject is somewhat wasted. (I happen to agree wholeheartedly!) Laura is a computer geek BIG time. She is a voracious reader -- when it is a book she likes. She loves the Middles Ages, thanks to falling in love with the Redwall series by Brian Jacques. As I mentioned, she has always loved bugs. I've made it a point to select unit studies that cover these things that she enjoys. You might look at the Great Science Adventure book called Insects and Arachnids. It is a very hands-on science book that includes as much research as you want to take on, and also includes these really clever little graphic organizers for the student to make. Unlike most unit studies, which require a lot of work on Mom's part, this one can really be done mostly by the student. All you would really have to do would be to oversee and help choose activities. Very few outside materials are called for -- mostly lots of paper and some household items.

I apologize for the rambling nature of this message... I've been interrupted about five times during the course of writing it. I do want to be sure you contact our Smoothing the Way leader in Katy. Even if you do not belong or wish to join STW, she can put you in touch with some activities in your area that might give your daughter a chance to make some friends. One thing I figured out about Laura a long time ago -- she will probably never have a wide circle of friends, but if I can find one or two good friends that share some of her interests, then she will be very happy. She is never going to be a social butterfly, but that doesn't necessarily mean she will always be lonely and isolated. Again, I know the same will be true for your daughter.

I was so moved by your post that I had to reply. I met a group at the Arlington convention center who help support parents with special need. They have been wonderful in helping me with my son who has dyslexia. The people who organized it also have special needs kids. They might be able to give you info on groups in your area that have children with your daughters interests. Just realized that I haven't said who they are. They are texas special kids. www.txspecialkids.org Patsy Arnold runs the website with her husband. I hope that they can help.

DeAnna

Doug and Patsy are good friends of mine! I'm glad you mentioned them -- I want to be sure that anyone looking at this section of the forum knows about Texas Special Kids. The Arnolds have a real heart for ministering to those with special needs and they are just loaded with great advice! www.txspecialkids.org

LAdies,
I just wanted to encourage you both...my dh and I have worked as youth pastors for many years and I have learned quite a bit about teenage girls.
More and more I see girls looking for attention, love, in relationships with boys(men) wether it be in life or online. It is wonderful to hear your daughter's natural offense to this behavior. I would encourage her feelings, expand on them, give them scripture to back up the immoral actions of their peers. Help them to see that their identity isn't wrapped up in boys, or ability, but in Christ.
Well done mothers! Keep up the the hard work and see your duaghters grow into beautiful women of God!
Now, when my four yr old fdd with RAD turns 12 I will be asking you for advice!!!!
Blessings,
fosterheartsathome

Virtual hugs to you all. May you each be comforted and given peace through scripture, sisters & brothers, & prayers. My now 18 year old has had no boyfriends, but has had several boy friends. She has suffered many insults from the "boring girls" who talk of nothing but the boys. I will pray especially that your daughters will gain their sense of worth from their realizations of God's special plans for their lives. Just this morning, she made me laugh again at her unique way with words when I overheard her talking to our foster dog, Larry, the Airedale Terrier (whom we have been trying to put weight on). I heard her praising him that he had made a "happy plate" (since he had eaten all of his food. Thank you Lord for each encouragement you send our way.
Becky Rankin