Smoothing the Way online

by Mary James

My oldest son is a freshman in high school this year. It seems like just yesterday that we had our very first day of school. Now I find myself mapping out a four-year plan that will satisfy my need to cover "everything." There is such a sense of finality to it! I know many home schoolers who are facing the very same situation with the same degree of fear. Will I make it? Will I finish the topics I have begun? Will my son leave our home school with that well-rounded education I wanted him to have? Or will I be leaving huge gaps of ignorance that can never be filled?

It is true that in May, 2004, my son will graduate from high school and my daily chore of home schooling him will end. Certainly our relationship will change. But is it true that my influence over my son will end the day he graduates? Will I have no other opportunities to educate him after he turns 18 years old? As I begin to look at my son's future, I am realizing something very important - there is nothing magical about the number 18 and he will not wake up the day after high school graduation a "finished product."

Looking back over the history of our country, I can't pinpoint the exact time it began, but somewhere along the way we began to view the age of 18 as the end of youth. The freedoms our young people gain at that age are certainly noteworthy, but do they signal an end to the need for parental supervision? Decades of freedom-seeking that bordered on freedom-desecration brought forth what amounts to a battle cry... "I can't wait until I'm 18!!" No longer to live under the rule of the parents, free to experience the world in all its glory!

I certainly recognize that this battle cry is not heard in the average home schooling household, but I think we still lean toward society's view that our children are ready to be out on their own when they graduate from high school. It has become such an accepted part of our culture that even home schoolers begin to prepare to throw our little birdies out of the nest when they reach that magical age of 18. And what faces those little birdies? Well, I would challenge each home schooling parent to look back over their own life from the age of 18 to 25. It is certainly possible that you graduated from high school and left your warm, loving home to go to a warm, loving educational institution where you studied diligently and enjoyed a most wholesome social life. But if this describes your experience, I estimate you to be in a rather small minority. Most of us look back on this period of our life with varying degrees of regret and embarrassment. Oh, if we only knew then what we know now... Hindsight is 20/20... I made a few bad choices....

Is this what we want for our young people? Did we spend these many years building a nurturing home and charting a specialized education plan just to kick our children out of their warm nest, hoping their wings are strong enough to carry them in flight? I look at my 15-year-old son and I can't possibly imagine him living successfully on his own in four years. Granted, he is a 15-year-old boy who cares more about computer games than academics and who hasn't remembered to do his household chores without being told in three years! I realize the next four years will bring a good deal of growth and maturity (at least that is my most fervent prayer!). But his graduation from high school will not be the end of one phase and the beginning of another as much as it will be a small turn in the long road to adulthood. It will be a time when he takes a stronger hold over his life and makes more of his own decisions and is even more responsible for his own actions. But for this time of transition to be successful, I feel it would be best accomplished under the still-close supervision of his parents. Rather than society's example, I choose to follow the Biblical example. I see nothing in Scripture to indicate that young people left the home of their parents until they were, in fact, establishing their own home. Not their own dorm room or apartment with roommates... but their own home. In the ancient Hebrew engagement ritual, a young man who had chosen a wife (with the approval of all parents) returned to his father's home to build a room for his bride. It is to this ritual that Jesus referred when He said, "In My Father's house are many mansions [or rooms]... I go to prepare a place for you" (John 14:2). Likewise, the young bride-to-be lived at home and prepared herself for marriage. She was, in fact, to be in a state of readiness because she never knew when her bridegroom would call for her, as we see in the story of the wise and foolish virgins.

{mospagebreak}Lest you begin to think I have digressed too far from my original point, let me bring us back to the present time. I feel high school graduation does not signal the end of our home school education, but merely a change in the direction of our education. We are no longer responsible for teaching book knowledge, rather it is now our duty to gently guide our young man until he is ready to head his own household; to train our young lady until she is able to successfully perform the tasks before her. The security of home continues to cushion them as they venture out into the world. Their experiences can be shared with those who helped to form their worldview. Instead of being confused by what they find in the world outside their home, they can continually examine and explore their findings with their parents. They can pursue their educational or career goals without the heavy burden of financial strain. They can build a nest egg that will serve as the foundation of their own home. While it is true that we can learn from our mistakes, I do not believe it is a requirement. Just like I believe school lessons are better learned when they are "delight-directed" rather than forced on our student, I believe the lessons of life — at least the early ones — can be learned under the loving guidance of a parent. I recently heard Dr. Jeff Myers describe a conversation with a parent who had sent her son off to college. Within a matter of weeks, her son had turned completely against her and all she had taught him. Dr. Myers' point was that this young man had not been given a Christian worldview on which he could stand when faced with the godless philosophies of a secular university, and I certainly agree with that conclusion. But I would go one step further and say it is almost impossible to have completely grounded our young person before they have the opportunity to interact with that secular worldview to the degree faced by a high school graduate. Keeping our young person at home allows us the opportunity to see his reactions, guide his understanding, and keep him grounded in his Christian worldview until he truly is able to stand on his own. While I certainly look forward to my son's high school graduation with anticipated pride and joy, it is his wedding that will bring to me a true sense of completion. When I see him with his chosen bride, standing as a man at the head of his household, then I will know my job as his home school teacher is finished.

In conclusion, I would like to stress that I am not saying it is entirely impossible for a home school graduate to be successful if they leave home immediately after graduation. I know many young people who are living in university dorms or pursuing careers without being totally corrupted by the world around them. But I have seen in these young people a common factor — an extremely close relationship with their parents. They maintain close contact through e-mail and telephone communication. I do feel these particular young people face a higher level of challenge and would encourage parents to be very thoughtful when helping their children make choices for their future. If their options require physical distance from home, these options should be viewed as "high risk" and every precaution should be taken to protect these young people from ungodly influence. If my children choose a college that is outside commuting range, I will most likely seek a Christian home that accepts college students as boarders. I feel this would offer a higher degree of accountability and less opportunity for temptation than the more contemporary living arrangements of dormitory or apartment. Yes, this goes against what "all the other kids" are doing, but after 10 years of homeschooling, I'm quite accustomed to going against the grain! My children have been raised with the knowledge that our family does things differently. While it is true that I have heard, "why can't we be like everyone else?" more than once, I have also been gratified to have my teenage son tell me he is thankful for the difference. I know our decision to shelter our children through home schooling has brought a sense of security missing in many households. I don't expect to hear the battle cry, "I can't wait until I'm 18!" I look forward to being an active part of my children's lives for many years to come.

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Copyright 2001, Mary James. Article may not be reprinted in any form. For permission to reprint, contact the author at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or (512) 639-9341.

This article first appeared in the February, 2001, issue of the Texas Home School Coalition REVIEW magazine, distributed quarterly to readers free of charge. The REVIEW focuses on current events, thoughts from home school leaders, and resources and services to help with teaching at home.